Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Category I or Category II ?

Earlier in the week Mac re-posted a response to AskMormonGirl's blog on pornography.  It was written by a former bishop who observed that addicts fall into "two surprisingly clear-cut categories:  Those who struggled against the addiction, and those who struggled against everything that got between them and the addiction."

The men in the first category, in his experience, never cheated on their wives, abused or neglected their children, or progressed into more deviant territory.

The men from the second category did all of those things, blaming their wives the whole way.

That left me wondering into which category I fit.

As an aside.  After reading the AskMormonGirl blog post that included that response, along with a WHOLE LOT of responses from men and women, who to me, seemed to be trying to justify their behavior and blaming the Church for its' teachings on the matter, suggesting that if our Church leaders would just keep their mouths shut on the topic it wouldn't be such a big deal.  One of them even went so far as to attack Pres. Hinckley personally for talking about it so much. (That ticked me off, because I can't think of a finer man than he was.) After reading that I found myself feeling unhappy.  Could it be true?  Maybe all the talk about how bad it is, is what leads us to hide it, and that secrecy leads us straight into the addiction? 

After mulling it over for awhile, I decided that I needed to pray about it and surrender those negative feelings, which I did.  It was then that I began to see a little more clearly.  I can virtually guarantee that a majority of those responses came from  people who are in the bonds of addiction and are seeking to justify themselves and their sins.  The Church leaders have done an admirable job of learning about addiction and trying to give us support.  I think that our leaders are working towards de-stigmatizing it.  The fact remains however that it was our Savior who said "That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."  So if you have a problem with it, take it up with Him.

I have been feeling really happy and at peace for 86 days now.  No porn, and no lusting.  I've caught my wife singing to herself (something she rarely does, and a sure sign that she is happy).  Why would I want to give that up in exchange for letting myself feel resentful towards the Church and its' leaders?  No, the Spirit tells me which way is right, and that's the way I've been going.  When I've wondered about the Spirit and how it communicates with me, versus how satan communicates, I realize that one thing satan never does is give me a feeling of peace.  Working the 12 steps and working on my relationship with God does give me peace.  The Spirit brings me peace.  Satan's imitations do not.

Now back to the question of which category I fit into, and whether or not a man from the second category has any chance. 

I struggled with it.  Wasn't I neglectful?  Wasn't the type of stuff I was viewing getting slowly but surely worse?  Didn't I think that if my wife would just do such and such, or more often, or whatever, that things would be better?  Didn't I push the envelope in the bedroom?  Well, yes.  All of those things are true.

But if we are searching for truth we must also acknowledge the things we did right.  I seldom, if ever, put her down because of her appearance.  I tried really hard to spend a lot of time with our kids and to be loving with them.  I tried to help with household chores, though I never did as much as I should have.  I made a really sincere effort to never use fantasy while making love.  I tried to fulfill my callings in the Church.  We prayed together almost every night throughout all of it. I did not disrespect my church leaders.  I never criticized them.  I tried to tell the truth (just not necessarily the whole truth) when they counseled me on the subject.

So it left me thinking, like Warrior, and like MM sees her husband, that I was somewhere in the middle.  I think though, that if I were that bishop's ward member, he would have put me in the first category.  On the other hand, there are some who have been from the second category and found their way back. 

Is there anything a spouse can do if her husband is mostly a second category type of guy?  If I am interpreting what I am learning correctly, the best way she can help is by making sure she is right with God, and then set her boundaries.  She must define who she is, and who she is not; what she will do and what she will not do.  It is then that she can live with grace and dignity, regardless of the actions of others.  She will care without becoming a caretaker.  Her eyes will be open, her heart sensitive to the Spirit when He is talking to her.  She won't need to check up on him constantly, the Spirit will tell her what's up.  She should not tolerate abuse!  Just don't!  It's awful!  Nobody deserves to be constantly beaten down.  Get out if you have to!  It might even be the impetus to get someone into recovery.  I subscribe to SA online and get dozens of e-mails daily.  I can't tell you how many times already that I have seen a guy get serious about recovery because his wife left him.  I know that can be an incredibly difficult decision to make, but if it needs to be made, do it. 

So that's my current thinking.  It should be interesting to see how my thinking evolves as my recovery continues! 

I love you guys and gals!

17 comments:

  1. This has almost nothing to do with the actual topic of the post, but thank you for these words: "When I've wondered about the Spirit and how it communicates with me, versus how satan communicates, I realize that one thing satan never does is give me a feeling of peace. Working the 12 steps and working on my relationship with God does give me peace. The Spirit brings me peace. Satan's imitations do not."

    I felt the Spirit confirming them to me when I read them and now. I have felt peace about my recent decisions, even though I haven't felt a strong confirmation by the Spirit. I think this is just what I needed.

    Also, those comments on the Mormon Girl post started to confuse me and make me upset too. But when I think back to all I have felt and learned these months, I think you are right. God set the rule, not the church. The consequences and pain I feel as a result of my husband's choices are real. There is no justification.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts, as always. I think you are a lot like my husband actually. And I appreciate pointing out that you were probably in the 1st category, even if you were on the fence. I hope and pray one day my husband hops off the fence and into recovery. He is a good man. One day at a time.

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    1. Thanks for your reply, MM. You seem to me to be such a gentle soul. Some day your husband may wake up and realize that all of his hopes and dreams are at stake. I think I had that realization that I was getting to a point where it could sneak up on me and I would lose her and it would just be too late. I hope your husband's turnaround comes a lot earlier than mine did! And I would encourage you to keep listening to the Spirit and try to do what you feel you need to, to protect your heart and self-esteem. Thanks, again!

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  2. I have no doubt that that hubbub about normalizing porn isn't true. there was a time when I fell into the mindset that made it normal. I believed I was progressive, forward thinking, understanding and empathetic to other people's needs blah blah blah. when I look back at that I realize I have learned a hard lesson. it's our nature as human beings to blame and blame shift and point fingers at something or someone else that causes us to act or do certain things. we don't really believe we're free agents. now I know every action every choicr every thought comes from within our hearts...we are free people.

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    1. This is a big step that I am starting to learn - it is always easier to blame, but we really are free agents. Well said.

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  3. Ps. I think u can choose which category you are part of or you can choose to break out on your own category.

    and this word verification robot thing is driving me bananas!

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  4. Your comments are right on the money, Scabs. I do what I'm doing because I want to. I choose to of my own volition, and I know that it's right. And I hate word verification as well! Especially on my phone, where I spend most of my time! Thanks for your great comments!

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  6. here here!! Well said Dan! I read a few of those and got lost "in the midst of this war of words and tumult of opinions". Bottom line is God's law and what is truth. Lust is of the Devil. It is his greatest counterfeit. Why? Because Love is the greatest attribute of God. It is the basis of his ENTIRE plan, existence, and the atonement. (like your blog URL depicts) The Prophets (like Jacob of old), would much rather speak of more pleasant topics, but they must rebuke sin or they would not be worthy to be our Lord's servants.

    anyway.... I'm an addict who is fighting. I don't know what category that is, but I have a heck of a long way to go. The journey is making me a stronger and finer warrior!!!!

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  7. Thanks Warrior! I think you are definitely a Cat. I. So there's lots of hope. And as to whether you have a heck of a long way to go, well, who knows? You might be on the very verge of a complete and conditionless surrender, which would mean: YOU WIN!!

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  8. Thanks for your insights on this. My hubby is category 1 and I hope he stays there.

    I am now considering removing the robot word verification. It drives me nuts and yet I make people do it on my own blog...lol!

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  9. Hi, Sparrow! You can remove word verification? How? Does it put us at risk of anything, like spam or viruses?

    Anyway I am glad hubby seems to be a Category I. We have to be thankful for small blessings!

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    1. Go into your settings and click on comments and posts. Then it has options for comments. unselect word verification and select comment moderation by email, so comments have to be approved before you allow them to be posted.

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    2. Thanks, Sparrow! When I get home tomight I'll give it a try.

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  10. Thank you for you thoughts. Thankfully my hubby is a Cat 1--remorseful, but always trapped. You are so right, we need to be thankful for small blessings.

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    1. Thanks, hopefulwife Y. I was trapped, too. I was remorseful, but unwilling to place my pride on the alter along with my right to lust, unwilling to surrender my will to God. Sort of passive aggressive, I guess. I've been praying for your family. Thanks again!

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  11. I always wonder where people put themselves when given just two (polar!) categories. I wonder where I am, where my loved ones are, where they think they are, where the Bishop would put them....

    I like this post though - giving way to some middle ground. So much gray.....

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    1. Yeah, black and white thinking can get us into trouble sometimes. As can that gray area. It's just so complicated! Ha, ha! Wouldn't it be cool if we all saw ourselves as God see's us all the time? Thanks for the comment, Buffalo Gal!

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